There have been major changes in my life in the last month, I’ve left my marriage, I’ve sold my family home, divided our possessions and taken my 3 children to a new house to start a new life. On the whole, I’m doing well. I see small steps of progress in how I’m feeling, I catch myself smiling or even laughing occasionally. I am not spending all night awake, sobbing uncontrollably, then hiding my eyes away the next day because they are puffy and sore. I’m doing ok.
Or so I think. Anxiety. It catches me unawares. I think I’m in control, then the smallest thing can set me off. It may be a drive down a road near to my beloved family home, a song on Alexa, a photo on my time hop. And that is it. I’m off, the emotions are unchecked, I’m irrational, angry, stressed, you name it, I experience it.
I’m doing my absolute best to cope. I didn’t want to stay married, I was so unhappy and trapped that it was making my health suffer. I’ve made the best decision to leave but coping with the fallout of the hurt is hard. I was warned about the loneliness but to actually experience it first hand is another level. I just didn’t expect to feel so alone, I wanted out, and the feeling of loneliness has hit me hard.
I’m doing the best I can, my big girl pants are on. I have good friends around me, I have my amazing family and my fab children. To do this without a supportive network is unimaginable, I am one of the lucky ones, I have the chance to live my life how I choose. I need to allow myself to have these feelings but not let them destroy my day, night, weekend, week. I have to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Ultimately, this will make me a better person.