Most goals are set on a Monday. If the Monday happens to coincide with the first of a month then its definitely a winner! I hear these goals all the time:
- Stop drinking alcohol
- Go to the gym
- Stop eating cake
- Eat fruit instead of cake
- Stop drinking fizzy pop
- Drink water, 2 litres a day
Today, being Monday, I have set myself a goal for this week. This is unusual for me but I have a serious problem that I need to face urgently.
I struggle to eat. Seeing those words in black and white hits me in the gut, hard. My goal for this week is to eat at regular times during the day. I’m not going to concern myself with the nutrition, the carbs, the calorie intake, I just need to eat.
With the help of my amazing friend, I have started to unpick the reasons behind my fear of food. He was the the first person to notice that I starve myself, that I can go for hours and hours and not eat and when I do, I rarely finish what is on my plate. Along with his “Are you still breathing?” message, I often get a “Have you/what have you eaten today?” message. When you are struggling with food, to have some accountability is very important. I will often eat because I don’t want to see his disappointment, he’s never angry, in fact he has really helped me understand why I’m scared to eat.
I’m scared to eat because I don’t want to be fat. I’ve been fat, there is a whole blog post waiting to be written about the day I realised how fat I was and how that day has changed my life. I lost my weight through sensible eating and intensive training in the gym. I can’t pinpoint the day the eating disorder took hold, I think it crept over, slowly and sneakily until it became my way of life and nobody noticed. Until recently. I’m currently not fat, I’m a UK size 10 but I don’t see myself as slim. I struggle with body dysmorphia. I look in the mirror and I see a fat stomach sticking out, I see chubby, wobbly legs. In reality, I know that I haven’t got a perfect figure but I am no where near fat. Try telling my brain that.
So, I starve myself, I can go all day and not eat. I go past hunger, I feel my body starting to shut down. I’ve had fuzzy vision, shakes, violent headaches, emotional outbursts. All because my body was starving. why oh why would I put myself through that? But I do and I continue to do so on a regular basis.
To admit you need help is massive. I need help. I don’t want to fear food. Irony is, I love cooking, I’m good at it. I love to see people eating my food, it makes me very happy. I just need to learn to love (or at least like) eating again.