Ever woken up in a strange mood? I did yesterday and its continued today. I can’t shake it, I’m grumpy and irrational, I want to be on my own but I’m lonely. I’m tearful and I know if I let the tears fall, they won’t stop. I dragged myself out of bed this morning, I really wanted to stay there with the covers over my head but as I’m a single mom of 3 and have 2 dogs, that isn’t an option.
I should have woken up happy this morning, my new bed was delivered yesterday. Due to the breakdown in marriage, separation, splitting of our possessions and house move, I haven’t slept in a bed since Boxing Day, I’ve slept on the sofa, a couple of nights in a hotel and then the last 6 weeks on an air bed. But no, not even the first night in my very lovely, extremely expensive (who knew that buying a bed cost so much money!) bed could lift this strange mood I’ve descended into.
I wrote yesterday about my fear of eating and how I was going to do my best to beat it this week. I failed miserably yesterday, on day 1, I don’t think fried plantain, a handful of peanut M&Ms and toast really adds up to eating enough food to sustain me. I’ve been a little better today but no where near enough. The lack of food is certainly contributing to my mood, lack of energy and headache. Irony is, I’ve just baked a batch of peanut flour, no sugar cookies for my friend as I’m worried about the snacks he is eating. I need to put my mindset of worrying about what other people eat into my own food intake.
I made myself go to the gym this morning. I used to train hard every single day. I was focussed and dedicated. My head was down, I worked hard early in the morning before a day of work. Since the start of this year, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve trained. I’m just not interested. I’ve bought shiny new gym clothes, brand new trainers in a bid to motivate me. It’s not working. I hated every minute I was there earlier and to make matters worse, one of the women I’ve known for a long time bounded over like an excitable puppy to tell me how tiny I was, how amazing I looked and what was my secret. If you have ever experienced body dysmorphia then you will get that my head went into over drive and all I could see was fat and I hated looking in the mirror. I finished my set, cut my loses and got the hell out of there. At least I escaped the gaggle of senior aqua ladies whose conversations drive me to insanity in the changing room.
So, what do I do? I need to shake this mood quickly. I’m finding the immediate weeks after the separation tough, it is literally a case of survival, get through each day by the skin of your teeth, pretend to the world that you are winning. Even though I instigated the split, it still hurts like hell. I sat outside my old house late last night and sobbed, I loved my house, I miss it and I feel like I’ve let it down. In a nutshell, I’m drowning. I am sure that this is all part of the grief for what I’ve lost process and it will pass with time. Until then, it’s probably best to give me a wide berth and if you are brave enough to talk to me, please don’t comment on my weight loss.