When there is unfinished business…

I had a friend, we were very close, we spoke for hours every day about everything and nothing. We spent time together, he made me laugh, he bought me presents. Gifts which started small, a thoughtful mug which ended up lavish, expensive clothes, as our relationship grew. My marriage was in crisis, I needed him, or so I thought.

We fell out about a year ago over a mutual friend. He didn’t want me to spend anytime with anyone else. I decided that the new friend was worth taking the risk for (and boy was I right). I was told to choose because he wouldn’t share me. There was no decision to make.

As time has passed, I’ve unpicked our friendship. I realise that he was controlling me, keeping me for himself and jealousy was his driving factor. As I grew in confidence, I changed. I was on the brink of starting my new life, becoming free. It was time to reinvent myself. Exit one friend to make way for the one person who supports me like no one else.

Unfortunately, the first friendship isn’t quite finished. I actually don’t know what to do next. He contacts me from time to time. The first time was after 6 months had passed. He was very drunk and let his guard down with his true feelings. It broke me, I had really hurt him and for that I’m saddened. I never wanted to hurt him, there was just someone else who I need more, someone who has kept me sane, listened to my heartache, hugged me when I’ve cried, laughed with me over things which are utterly daft, has grown to be my chosen family. I couldn’t have them both and I was made to choose, I made the right choice. And for once, I’d put my own needs first.

Today, I saw him for the first time this year. I can see the expression on his face. I know it’s not over. I’m vulnerable at the moment and my concern is that he will pick the wrong moment to contact me and I’ll be weak and do something I’ll regret. It’s a complicated relationship which has overstepped so many boundaries. I can’t move on until it’s closed but I’m scared of the closure.

I’m keeping my eyes to the ground, my face neutral. I’m off the popular social networking sites for now. I’m trying to put a barricade around myself but I fear that it’s not enough.

A tangled web I’ve weaved and I need an escape route.

H xx

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