When everything gets too much

This picture perfectly depicts how I am feeling. My anxiety is through the roof this week.

My goal on Monday was to eat, anything, just to eat. I’ve failed miserably, my weight is plummeting rapidly and this perversely gives me the most satisfaction even though I know it’s wrong, I’ve been warned I’m on the brink of hospitalisation I don’t care, I’ve pressed the self destruct button and I’m feel like I’m watching the consequences from above.

My dear, dear friend got it wrong last night and has caused me to feel more anxiety and hurt on top of the mountain I’m struggling with. He’s tried his best to apologise but I’m not letting him, I’m pushing him away even though all I want to do is be with him, I can’t see through the fog to let that happen. Is our relationship strong enough to weather this storm? I really hope so. I’m praying he loves me enough to realise that this is behaviour is a cry for help. I just want him to take charge and make me feel wanted again.

My return to work is looming over me. It watches me with every second of the day. I’m not ready to return, however pressure is making me.

My children’s father, my ex husband (I can’t get used to saying that) is driving me insane. I hid from him last night when he picked up the children, I can’t cope with his draining needs when I’m barely coping myself.

The only positive I can find about myself is I’ve been to the gym 3 times this week. In my previous life before my diagnosis of CFS, I was a gym machine, I trained hard every single day, it was my release. Now, I’ve dragged my sorry backside there and carried out a pitiful circuit of no more than 30 minutes. Even though it’s not up to my standards, I’m calling it a winner as I’ve made it there and moved my body.

Thank you Anxiety, you’ve beaten me this week, as my doctor put it yesterday, I’m spiralling down a rabbit hole. I need to slam the breaks on and find a way out of the gloom. Any suggestions would be gratefully received

H xx

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