It’s 1.28am. I’m wide awake, again. I’ve done all the usual to try and get myself back to sleep but tonight, or rather, this morning, I’ve given in.
During an appointment to try and get my eating back on track this week I was advised to limit my water intake as I was drinking to satisfy my hunger and therefore not eating. Trouble is, I’ve always drunk loads of water, my body is used to it so I’m mega thirsty, you known, the thirst of the morning after the night before? I’ve given into that too, drunk some water, eaten some popcorn (that will play on my mind shortly) and I’m just sitting here.
My mind is in overdrive
I can’t switch it off. I’m overthinking my week, how I’ve reacted (over reacted) to situations. Why I feel the need to push away the people I love the most. However, the overwhelming feeling is one of guilt.
I left my marriage, for 101 different reasons and I don’t regret that decision to leave. But, I feel guilty, I’ve caused such upset and pain to others by putting my own needs first. I lie here, in my own room, surrounded by only my things, in a bed which I chose and paid for. There is some element of contentment in this, I’m hopeful that as I settle further into my new life that feeling will grow.
The effect of my lack of sleep will be negative on the day to follow. Since my diagnosis of CFS, sleep has been the most important element of my day. I long to wake up feeling refreshed and raring to go. I can’t remember the last time I woke up after a bloody good sleep. 4 straight hours is a win. Tonight, I’ll settle for an hour.