I snapped and lost it

One of the many reasons why I ended my marriage was that he couldn’t sort anything out. Sure, he would tell you differently, that he did his equal share in a busy family. I give him credit for doing the ironing (mostly his), washing our bed nearly every weekend, the garden. Apart from those jobs, I seemed to do everything else. He would do stuff if I directed him into it but he couldn’t organise himself, needed me to facilitate everything, remember everyone birthdays, pay all the bills, sort the kids out with their endless activities, you know, general everyday jobs which you just can’t avoid. It was driving me crazy.

I’m a very organised person, I like everything just so. I hate being late, if we need to be there at 10am, we arrive at 9.55am. If we need to leave at 9.30, we are driving down the road at 9.30, not sitting in the car waiting until 9.40 because someone can’t find their shoes/hat/phone/wallet etc. As the years rolled on, I became more super organised and he became more disorganised. it was doomed to fail.

Since our split, he has obviously had to step up and sort himself out. This has been hard for him. I’m lucky, I have a really supportive network around me with my family and my friends. Yes, there are time when I’m incredibly lonely and sad but if need help, I only have to send a message and it will be there, I don’t feel my ex has that support. Our children live with me, he gets to see them once a week (his choice, I’m not stopping him seeing them, but apparently he is so busy trying to make sense of it all one night a week is ok for now), he has a big family, but from what I can tell, the support is not there and that makes me sad.

So, is this my problem? I’ve sat with him, gone though his essential bills, given him all the details he needs, set him up a new bank account, paid off all the joint bills so we could both start again. But it just wasn’t enough. I’ve had daily texts asking me for information, it was driving me crazy. On Sunday, I was having a rough day, my CFS was bad, I was trying to rest, have some headspace and get myself in a good place especially as I’d had a terrible week last week. After many texts, I snapped. I was vile to him. It’s an awful feeling, knowing that you are being horrid but you just can’t stop. We haven’t spoken since.

I feel guilty. I’m stopping myself from contacting him as I know exactly where the conversation will go and I’ll snap again. It is time he grew up and took responsibility for his own life. My actions were wrong but that is what happens when you are close to breaking point. We are separated and that means we live separate lives.

H xx

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