The start of a new chapter

Spring is in full bloom here in the UK, this week the weather has been glorious. It makes you feel happy to be alive.

Or that’s the theory. I’ve struggled all week. My confidence in myself is at an all time low, my return to my job is imminent, it hangs over me every second of every day.

Fear. I’m scared. I’m frightened that I can’t do my job anymore. I haven’t worked for 8 months, I’ve distanced myself from my place of work to aid my recovery which was so needed but that is now showing huge disadvantages. I’m out the loop, I can’t remember what to do. In just over 36 hours, I have to walk back through the door and do the job that I’m paid and trained to do. Sure, there is a phased return and in my case, it is generous but I still have to get up, put on my work clothes, drive there and walk through the door.

This thought train plays on a loop in my head like a never ending roller coaster. It’s made me incredibly irrational. I’ve been on a self destruct mission trying to vent my insecurities on the one person I love the most. The one person who holds me together more than anybody. The one person who really should walk away from my craziness but keeps coming back. For that, I’m eternally grateful.

Then yesterday came and for a few miraculous hours, it all went away. My lovely friend took me out, we went shopping and laughed. I saw the old me, the old friendship, the one that got us together in the first place. We had the looks between us when the salesman was trying ever so hard that had us trying (and failing) to hide smiles. I was happy.

I’ve forgotten what inside happiness feels like but for a brief time yesterday, I was reminded. And I liked it. I want more.

The new chapter of my life is happening, I can’t stop it, I can’t fight it. I need to go with open arms, big girl pants on and embrace the way forward.

I can do this

H xx

Instagram @are_you_still_breathing

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