I struggle to eat. I make every excuse under the sun to avoid eating. I hate,absolutely hate, choosing what to eat. The thought of selecting food on the spot brings me so much anxiety.
My friend and I go out to eat regularly, we stick to the same 2 places. I know what I’m having and I cope. But recently, I’ve started limiting the amount of food I have. It started with a main and 2 sides, then a main and a side, then a main. Now it’s a small main with nothing else and I struggle to finish that. He’s watching me, I feel him not knowing what to say. I know I frustrate him, I know he wants to help me but he just doesn’t know how because for him, food is good. He loves eating and eating suits him. He’s a bloody good looking man, he trains his body hard, he eats well and it shows.
Me? I’m a slim woman but I’ll always have the fat fear. I was very overweight about ten years ago. I’d had 3 children very close together, the pregnancies with bad food choices, no structured exercise and low self esteem led to weight gain. One day I decided enough was enough and I started to get my body back. It was hard work, not an easy fix, sacrifices were made, hours in the gym, no to pizza on a Saturday night but I had a body which I could be proud of. If only I’d let myself.
Today, I’m still slim. Due to my lack of gym training, I’ve lost my muscle definition and I feel soft. I hate it. I look in the mirror and all I can see is fat, wobbly bits. I hate my body.
My life has been chaotic over the last year with the breakdown of my marriage, my house sale, my 8 months off work. I’ve controlled the only thing I could; food. I’ve starved myself, I’ve promised to eat and then forgotten, I’ve pretended I’ve eaten, I’ve eaten in secret, I’ve eaten in public. Worst still, I’ve started to make myself sick.
My friend is the only one who knows, he is the only person to have noticed that I run about making everyone else food, I’m a decent cook, but never feed myself. Over the Christmas period, he went home and I didn’t see him for 2 weeks, on his return he was shocked at how thin I was. I was so miserable during this time that I just didn’t eat.
I rarely get hungry, I’ve gone past that. I can easily go 20/24 hours and not eat. I know what I’m doing and I want to stop but I’m scared. I’m so fearful of losing control, becoming fat. When I do eat, the sick feeling lasts for over 2 hours, I walk around, I try and distract myself to keep the food inside me. Sometimes it works.
Then this morning, he couldn’t contain his views anymore. I know I worry him, I really don’t want to. I don’t want to be a burden. He’s threatening to stop coming to my house, he won’t eat here unless I sit and eat with him. I get the feeling that he’s desperate now and doesn’t quite know the right thing to say, so is saying everything in his head and in his heart. I know he’s right. I have to eat. I wish it were that simple.
I don’t want to be without him. He is my world but when it comes to food, will I eat just to keep him? Worse still, will I eat to please him then make myself sick?
I have a real problem. I need some help. My fear of food cannot take away the best friend I’ve ever had but I don’t know how to stop this