I snapped and lost it

One of the many reasons why I ended my marriage was that he couldn’t sort anything out. Sure, he would tell you differently, that he did his equal share in a busy family. I give him credit for doing the ironing (mostly his), washing our bed nearly every weekend, the garden. Apart from those jobs, I seemed to do everything else. He would do stuff if I directed him into it but he couldn’t organise himself, needed me to facilitate everything, remember everyone birthdays, pay all the bills, sort the kids out with their endless activities, you know, general everyday jobs which you just can’t avoid. It was driving me crazy.

I’m a very organised person, I like everything just so. I hate being late, if we need to be there at 10am, we arrive at 9.55am. If we need to leave at 9.30, we are driving down the road at 9.30, not sitting in the car waiting until 9.40 because someone can’t find their shoes/hat/phone/wallet etc. As the years rolled on, I became more super organised and he became more disorganised. it was doomed to fail.

Since our split, he has obviously had to step up and sort himself out. This has been hard for him. I’m lucky, I have a really supportive network around me with my family and my friends. Yes, there are time when I’m incredibly lonely and sad but if need help, I only have to send a message and it will be there, I don’t feel my ex has that support. Our children live with me, he gets to see them once a week (his choice, I’m not stopping him seeing them, but apparently he is so busy trying to make sense of it all one night a week is ok for now), he has a big family, but from what I can tell, the support is not there and that makes me sad.

So, is this my problem? I’ve sat with him, gone though his essential bills, given him all the details he needs, set him up a new bank account, paid off all the joint bills so we could both start again. But it just wasn’t enough. I’ve had daily texts asking me for information, it was driving me crazy. On Sunday, I was having a rough day, my CFS was bad, I was trying to rest, have some headspace and get myself in a good place especially as I’d had a terrible week last week. After many texts, I snapped. I was vile to him. It’s an awful feeling, knowing that you are being horrid but you just can’t stop. We haven’t spoken since.

I feel guilty. I’m stopping myself from contacting him as I know exactly where the conversation will go and I’ll snap again. It is time he grew up and took responsibility for his own life. My actions were wrong but that is what happens when you are close to breaking point. We are separated and that means we live separate lives.

H xx

I’m literally dragging myself through Tuesday

Ever woken up in a strange mood? I did yesterday and its continued today. I can’t shake it, I’m grumpy and irrational, I want to be on my own but I’m lonely. I’m tearful and I know if I let the tears fall, they won’t stop. I dragged myself out of bed this morning, I really wanted to stay there with the covers over my head but as I’m a single mom of 3 and have 2 dogs, that isn’t an option.

I should have woken up happy this morning, my new bed was delivered yesterday. Due to the breakdown in marriage, separation, splitting of our possessions and house move, I haven’t slept in a bed since Boxing Day, I’ve slept on the sofa, a couple of nights in a hotel and then the last 6 weeks on an air bed. But no, not even the first night in my very lovely, extremely expensive (who knew that buying a bed cost so much money!) bed could lift this strange mood I’ve descended into.

I wrote yesterday about my fear of eating and how I was going to do my best to beat it this week. I failed miserably yesterday, on day 1, I don’t think fried plantain, a handful of peanut M&Ms and toast really adds up to eating enough food to sustain me. I’ve been a little better today but no where near enough. The lack of food is certainly contributing to my mood, lack of energy and headache. Irony is, I’ve just baked a batch of peanut flour, no sugar cookies for my friend as I’m worried about the snacks he is eating. I need to put my mindset of worrying about what other people eat into my own food intake.

I made myself go to the gym this morning. I used to train hard every single day. I was focussed and dedicated. My head was down, I worked hard early in the morning before a day of work. Since the start of this year, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve trained. I’m just not interested. I’ve bought shiny new gym clothes, brand new trainers in a bid to motivate me. It’s not working. I hated every minute I was there earlier and to make matters worse, one of the women I’ve known for a long time bounded over like an excitable puppy to tell me how tiny I was, how amazing I looked and what was my secret. If you have ever experienced body dysmorphia then you will get that my head went into over drive and all I could see was fat and I hated looking in the mirror. I finished my set, cut my loses and got the hell out of there. At least I escaped the gaggle of senior aqua ladies whose conversations drive me to insanity in the changing room.

So, what do I do? I need to shake this mood quickly. I’m finding the immediate weeks after the separation tough, it is literally a case of survival, get through each day by the skin of your teeth, pretend to the world that you are winning. Even though I instigated the split, it still hurts like hell. I sat outside my old house late last night and sobbed, I loved my house, I miss it and I feel like I’ve let it down. In a nutshell, I’m drowning. I am sure that this is all part of the grief for what I’ve lost process and it will pass with time. Until then, it’s probably best to give me a wide berth and if you are brave enough to talk to me, please don’t comment on my weight loss.

Hxx