The start of a new chapter

Spring is in full bloom here in the UK, this week the weather has been glorious. It makes you feel happy to be alive.

Or that’s the theory. I’ve struggled all week. My confidence in myself is at an all time low, my return to my job is imminent, it hangs over me every second of every day.

Fear. I’m scared. I’m frightened that I can’t do my job anymore. I haven’t worked for 8 months, I’ve distanced myself from my place of work to aid my recovery which was so needed but that is now showing huge disadvantages. I’m out the loop, I can’t remember what to do. In just over 36 hours, I have to walk back through the door and do the job that I’m paid and trained to do. Sure, there is a phased return and in my case, it is generous but I still have to get up, put on my work clothes, drive there and walk through the door.

This thought train plays on a loop in my head like a never ending roller coaster. It’s made me incredibly irrational. I’ve been on a self destruct mission trying to vent my insecurities on the one person I love the most. The one person who holds me together more than anybody. The one person who really should walk away from my craziness but keeps coming back. For that, I’m eternally grateful.

Then yesterday came and for a few miraculous hours, it all went away. My lovely friend took me out, we went shopping and laughed. I saw the old me, the old friendship, the one that got us together in the first place. We had the looks between us when the salesman was trying ever so hard that had us trying (and failing) to hide smiles. I was happy.

I’ve forgotten what inside happiness feels like but for a brief time yesterday, I was reminded. And I liked it. I want more.

The new chapter of my life is happening, I can’t stop it, I can’t fight it. I need to go with open arms, big girl pants on and embrace the way forward.

I can do this

H xx

Instagram @are_you_still_breathing

Insomnia.

It’s 1.28am. I’m wide awake, again. I’ve done all the usual to try and get myself back to sleep but tonight, or rather, this morning, I’ve given in.

During an appointment to try and get my eating back on track this week I was advised to limit my water intake as I was drinking to satisfy my hunger and therefore not eating. Trouble is, I’ve always drunk loads of water, my body is used to it so I’m mega thirsty, you known, the thirst of the morning after the night before? I’ve given into that too, drunk some water, eaten some popcorn (that will play on my mind shortly) and I’m just sitting here.

My mind is in overdrive

I can’t switch it off. I’m overthinking my week, how I’ve reacted (over reacted) to situations. Why I feel the need to push away the people I love the most. However, the overwhelming feeling is one of guilt.

I left my marriage, for 101 different reasons and I don’t regret that decision to leave. But, I feel guilty, I’ve caused such upset and pain to others by putting my own needs first. I lie here, in my own room, surrounded by only my things, in a bed which I chose and paid for. There is some element of contentment in this, I’m hopeful that as I settle further into my new life that feeling will grow.

The effect of my lack of sleep will be negative on the day to follow. Since my diagnosis of CFS, sleep has been the most important element of my day. I long to wake up feeling refreshed and raring to go. I can’t remember the last time I woke up after a bloody good sleep. 4 straight hours is a win. Tonight, I’ll settle for an hour.

H xx