Life keeps throwing me these curve balls.

It’s been a funny old week. I’m mega emotional, I can’t stop the tears again. I think I cried consistently yesterday for many hours over actually nothing. My ex is being an idiot. He only sees our children for a very short time each week (his choice) and last night he gave them hell over him being lonely in the middle of the pub. They came back saying what an awful time they’d had. It breaks my heart that my precious children do not have the relationship with their father that they deserve. It is always about him, how he is feeling, how busy he is, what is happening to him and nothing is ever his fault. I keep pointing put that he is an adult and yes, they are teenagers but they are still children and he needs to grow up and act like an adult. I won’t hold my breath.

Before I’m allowed back to work (just over a week: anxiety is through the roof) my doctor ran a series of blood tests. To my absolute horror, I’ve been diagnosed with pre-diabetes. I just don’t get it. The standard letter which came has really messed with my mental well being. I’m struggling with an eating disorder. I can literally starve myself for many hours because I’m terrified that I’m going to get fat again. When I do eat, my potions are small, I never finish anything. I walk my dogs twice a day and I’m back at the gym. I’m hating the gym, I’ll explain about that another day, but I’m back doing my thing.

So, the letter pops through my door to tell me that I’ve tested for pre-diabetes and my chance of getting type 2 diabetes is high, but hold on, good news! I can easily reverse the pre-diabetes by increasing my exercise levels and losing some weight.

HOLD ON

I’m struggling with an eating disorder, given the choice, I won’t eat. That suits me just fine and now the medical professionals have given me green light to lose weight. Hurray!!!!! Does anyone actually check a person’s health records before sending out a standard letter. Where would they like me to lose weight from? And how do I increase my exercise? I walk between 7 and 10 miles a day and I train in the gym 4-5 times a week. I am no where near as fit as I used to be, but I know that my fitness is still above that of the average female, and way above females of my age bracket. I actually give up. The state of my head is horrendous. I’ve spent the last 48 hours googling diabetes which hasn’t helped.

I need some serious help

H xx

The Sea View

Like a lot of people, a massive dream of mine is to live by the sea. I find the sea so healing, the whole sensory experience just calms my frantic mind. But what happens after you’ve lived by the sea for a while?

You take it for granted, very quickly. It becomes the norm, it’s what you see every day and you stop looking. And this doesn’t apply to the sea, it’s anything that becomes part of our everyday environment; nature, relationships, friends, family, we stop looking and appreciating. We take these things for granted.

I was having a moan a while ago to my friend about spending time with my parents because there was something I’d rather be doing. I see them at least twice a week and speak, mostly by text, every day. His entire family live in another country, he only gets to see them twice a year. He was rather abrupt and told me to stop it, there was nothing he’d rather be doing than spending time with his parents at the weekend, especially as there had been some hardship and ill health in the family recently. It really made me think. We take our every day lives for granted.

We need to slow down, even just for a few minutes, appreciate the view, the sea, the park, the fields, the sky, the home cooked meal, the text asking if you’re ok, the coffee date, the hug waiting at the end of a long day. We need to enjoy our time, especially with the ones we love because tomorrow is not promised.

Last week was a particularly bad week for me, I was irrational and incredibly moody. I set goals which, with the best will in the world were unachievable. I set myself up to fail. After an epic outburst on Thursday (and Friday) I’m emotionally empty. Time to sit back and appreciate the view, recharge and find the positives in my new life. The last 6 weeks have been the hardest in my life and I know that I haven’t given myself enough time to heal, make sense of what has happened and allow the grief to happen. I am learning so much about mental health and about myself.

I have a sea view waiting, I have a holiday booked for August, a house which over looks the sea. I am going to breathe that view in for every second of the week that I am there knowing that it is temporary and the it is part of my recovery process.

But for this week, I’m going to stop being so hard on myself and take each day as it happens and put my own needs first.

H xx

When everything gets too much

This picture perfectly depicts how I am feeling. My anxiety is through the roof this week.

My goal on Monday was to eat, anything, just to eat. I’ve failed miserably, my weight is plummeting rapidly and this perversely gives me the most satisfaction even though I know it’s wrong, I’ve been warned I’m on the brink of hospitalisation I don’t care, I’ve pressed the self destruct button and I’m feel like I’m watching the consequences from above.

My dear, dear friend got it wrong last night and has caused me to feel more anxiety and hurt on top of the mountain I’m struggling with. He’s tried his best to apologise but I’m not letting him, I’m pushing him away even though all I want to do is be with him, I can’t see through the fog to let that happen. Is our relationship strong enough to weather this storm? I really hope so. I’m praying he loves me enough to realise that this is behaviour is a cry for help. I just want him to take charge and make me feel wanted again.

My return to work is looming over me. It watches me with every second of the day. I’m not ready to return, however pressure is making me.

My children’s father, my ex husband (I can’t get used to saying that) is driving me insane. I hid from him last night when he picked up the children, I can’t cope with his draining needs when I’m barely coping myself.

The only positive I can find about myself is I’ve been to the gym 3 times this week. In my previous life before my diagnosis of CFS, I was a gym machine, I trained hard every single day, it was my release. Now, I’ve dragged my sorry backside there and carried out a pitiful circuit of no more than 30 minutes. Even though it’s not up to my standards, I’m calling it a winner as I’ve made it there and moved my body.

Thank you Anxiety, you’ve beaten me this week, as my doctor put it yesterday, I’m spiralling down a rabbit hole. I need to slam the breaks on and find a way out of the gloom. Any suggestions would be gratefully received

H xx